Parenting Tips From A Parent

Parenting Tip #472- When daycare sends home a bag of clothes and a note that your child has pooped his pants, make sure said poop has actually been removed from said pants before washing and drying.

Parenting tip #157- having a stern and frank talk with your toddler at 2 am about what constitutes an acceptable wake up time will not go quite the way you hope.

Parenting Tip #734- You survived the weeklong vacation with the kid? Don’t get too cocky, champ. Brace yourself for the batshit crazy psycho they will turn into the morning after you return.

Parenting Tip #983- Did you know that a happy, calm child will suddenly fly into a frothy berserker rage over the simple selection of underpants? It’s true!

Parenting Tip #1063- If you thought your kid must have at least 2 weeks between colds, you’d be wrong, dummy.

Parenting Tip #3127- The child will regularly burst into the bathroom unannounced, yet will lock and barricade themselves in with every method available because monsters.

Parenting Tip #4181- Today, the child likes bananas. Tomorrow, they will not. Next day, they will. Repeat. Each time, preferring various degrees of ripeness. Plan accordingly.

Parenting Tip 7451- You may not subscribe to any religion, but you will offer up this fervent prayer: “please don’t let us all get sick at the same time.”

Parenting Tip 2162- Don’t enjoy constantly apologizing for being late? That’s ok, you’ll get used to it.

Parenting Tip #3798- You will drive home alone, windows open, without noticing your stereo is blasting the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles theme song. Do not panic.

Parenting Tip 9741- It might just be allergies…? (It’s not)

Parenting Tip 9784– make sure your spouse’s camera/phone is all charged up to capture all the Christmas memories while you’re huddled on the floor assembling those Lego sets.

Parenting Tip #2785- When your child says “I want to play Monster (Anything)” it really means “I would very much like to punch you in the groin”

Parenting Tip #2174- When asked by your departing spouse, “Want anything from the store?” it is ill advised, no matter how funny you’re trying to be, to respond “2 hours to myself.” Just trust me on this.

Parenting Tip #4751- Try not to interrupt the long, elaborate lie that your 4 year old is telling. Just enjoy the ride.

Parenting Tip #5891- You will, at some point, call your spouse in to marvel at the impressive enormity of your child’s poop. Only history may judge you.

Parenting Tip 8117- Onerous Ones. Terrible Twos. Troublesome Threes. Fucking Hell Fours.

 Parenting Tip 1023- Convincing the 4 yr old that he has shrunk due to lack of eating dinner is amusing for the parent. Not so much for the child.

Parenting Tip #967- The thing your child wants will not be the thing they want by the time you get the thing they said they wanted.

 Parenting Tip 2585- if you somehow infer to your child that a magical friendly werewolf has hidden a treasure somewhere for him to find, you better have a goddam treasure hunt ready.

Parenting Tip # 7100- That voice in your head at the end of the day that whispers “Go on, eat that whole pizza. And maybe finish off the birthday cake, too.” That voice just wants you to be happy, baby.

Parenting Tip 8767- Trust me, you will never build those goddam Legos fast enough.

Parenting Tip #5261- You will see much, much, much more taint than you might expect.

Parenting Tip 8211- When the kid skips a nap, you sure as shit better just let them win at Candyland.

Parenting Tipe #2782- Waking up at 4 am is a great time to carefully evaluate your career path/watch cartoons with your preternaturally awake child.

Parenting Tip 632- Sure, we like that you only leave us the butt ends of the bread in the bag. It’s the best part of the bread. So there.


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2 responses to “Parenting Tips From A Parent

  1. jackie

    there will be a time this all will bite you on the butt.

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